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At this point, Is a future really necessary?
all I see is a step-by-step description of my own suicide,
which I cannot choose,
no,
I do not get the dignity of deciding my own end,
it is given to me with the expectation that I swallow the
pill so openly,
gullible and earnest eyes,
yearning for a future that is my own choice,
like that is something I was ever allowed to have.

Can you hear me?
Through the screeching and wailing of our souls,
the light that seeps out through our screens,
this harmful, burning, innocent world?
If you can hear me, can you hear everyone else?
Are we all shouting out through a digital morse code
for help that will never come?

When I closed my eyes I could see the shining blues of artificial light
piercing into my skull from a skyline I will never live to walk through,
and I used to feel the wind through my hair like a freefall,
but those days are behind me now,
I am grounded, so grounded now,
grounded six feet under in my mind
like a dream that has been crushed and shattered and spit on,

i feel the weight of my reality push me deeper and deeper down,
silence only opens my ears to the banshee-wails of the earth,
I am being deafended,
but I am grounded, always sober,
taking this violence like a perfect bystander,
holding on to my hope
like a worn teddy-bear from a time so long gone,

Almost Twenty Years now and this is all I have

This writhing, wretched part of me, get it out
Gruesome, slithering, infinite -- get it out!
I am left with a gaping hole in my chest where my lungs were but I feel no different
from a saturday afternoon when i was 17.
get it out! This horrible feeling inside of me!
This dormant abomination that I have created
and I am too ashamed to speak freely about it
no, I cannot
It is physically impossible for me to admit it now
that this embarassement exists
And the guilt

Why have I created this shameful thing?