It's officially election time... I think I'll be okay whatever happens (very optimistic <~) but I'm still super nervous. I also got my first paycheck!! I'm so nervous about everything lately but I think I just have to ride it out... I hope I pass my classes...
This year has been such a wild ride, and I was feeling nostalgic. So I decided to write a bit of a history for future me to see, maybe!
It started out a little messy. My mental health wasn't so great and it felt like it was getting worse for the first few months until I decided to quit seeing my therapist (no transporation money) and focus on myself instead. I started staying awake until like 10am and sleeping until 5pm regularly. I wasn't really having fun, though-- those times were mostly spent using time to myself and moping around because I wasn't tired. My mental health was okay and really weird at the same time-- it was a weird time. I did start evolving as a person, though, and developed more of my own style! Eventually, around my birthday, I decided I wanted more direction in my life, and finally started applying for jobs, which sucked at first, but I was secretly grateful no-one was accepting my applications because it meant I didn't actually have to make any commitments. I've just been steadily evolving since then, and now I have the jobs I wanted, which is good... but I still feel like such a small part of my own world.
It's hard to really put into words the way I feel nowadays. Not being in high school anymore has been tough, (but at least I'm not sobbing when I look in the direction of my old school, LOL,) and this lack of direction is equally tough. I've never been one to succumb to peer pressure or fomo until this year; now I feel like I cling to the unrealistic ideals of a lifestyle that's now rarely attainable, even if I had a good job and education. It's scary living in this world now, the forward progress of my childhood seems to have stopped as soon as I got old enough to enjoy the freedoms of life and now I'm being hit with all these big world problems that I have no control over and can barely even comprehend. Every time I have an understanding of what I want in life, a million obstacles show up in my path-- including my own mental obstacles that I've never had to confront until now. Living as a feminine person is tough, i'm just a girl!
Okay. WHEW. sob!! I know everyone always says work sucks but you never feel it quite in the same way until you have a job yourself. MISERY!!!!!!! The job itself is okay... I'm sure once I'm more familiar with how to do all the basic things it'll be less scary but I accepted TWO jobs, right, so now i'm worried that they'll expect me to work on a certain day and won't let me control my own schedule... it's not full-time so I have a little more freedom but I'm worried it's not as much freedom as I'm hoping for because im very much expecting them to try to Take Over My Life. the silliest part is that i've only actually worked 3 consectutive days in a row and by last night I was BAWLING. SOBBING. my boyfriend was so fed up with me. T-T
another reason why today in particular was stressful was because i had a MIDTERM!!! Which i did complete (badly,) so I'm at least done with that hurdle. I don't want to work two jobs anymore though, i feel like i have no personal life already and its probably just going to get worse... but i will make it work. I am going to girlboss my way to victory. also btw i'm thinking about getting into stocks.
my one goal in life is to be financially stable and healthy and hopefully have a kid. i want to do all the normal happy family things and be a normal happy family and live semi-successfully without incredible debt. My mom is in debt and my childhood was wonderful but also a total mess and stability is CALLING MY NAMEE.. i'm hoping if i start early i'll get some sort of extra step into the game and have a higher chance of survival. The other good thing is my boyfriend is a keeper (neon green flag) and we're both planning to help each other in the long game financially with dual income etc. savings and income and stocks (kinda) and being as smart as possible... anyone older than like 21 would probably laugh at my attempts to avoid capitalism ruining my life because its such a problem larger than myself but I just want to be able to live my life in a way that makes me feel free. one day ! i hope!!
SOOO much has changed recently. Like almost way too much but I'm too sick to really worry about that anymore, LOL. I'm doing badly in school so I'm worried about that, but I took both of the jobs! I'm almost all set for the jewelry job and I'm waiting until the 20th to move forward with the other job. I'm trying to stay on top of things, but I got sick, and it's hard because there's all these things I want to do and yet I don't have the energy for all of it. THE GOOD NEWS IS I CAN DRESS UP FOR WORK NOW!! So that's exciting!!
I've been so busy with my personal life lately that I feel like I havent had the chance to update my personal passion project, which is sad! I like coding things, at least so far. I want to update it frequently along with my blogs. I realized recently that some people here might also be using programs or sites designed specifically to help make their layout look good. I'm sure my code is going to hurt the eyes of any professional, but I think I'll continue my patchwork coding since it hasn't had a problem yet!
Anyways, in terms of my actual life... I have been really stressed out, to be honest. I thought the place I interviewed at was a lost cause and moved on, including applying to new places, and then found a nice solution by working somewhere familiar because it was offered to me and I have been loving it! Except... yesterday, the place I interviewed at FINALLY (after three weeks or something??) called back and offered to schedule my final interview... and I did that today, and it went great! Like, everything sounds almost-too-good-to-be-true great. The managers apparently raved about me to their manager, and I asked good questions, and they're now evaluating my wage & once that's done I think they're going to be offering me the job. I would be really weirded out if they didn't, lol!
The only issue is that I have to uproot my entire life again now because I finally got comfortable at my current job and now there's a bunch going on again. And I'm still behind on my college schoolwork. So I hope that turns out okay :,-)... This is also my final year before I plan on moving out of my mom's house with my boyfriend and going to a new state. So I want to experience what life has to offer as much as possible while I still have my mom willing to financially support me, and getting this job would be useful with saving up.
OH also! That job has the possibility of helping my move significantly! I should really get out of my little mope corner and start looking at the positives of the whole situation.
Overall, life is weird. A few weeks ago I felt stangnant and impatient to move forward and now I feel overwhelmed. So much to think about... so much to do... it's a little comforting knowing I have this blog, actually, knowing if someone wanted to look they could just find me here.
This is my first entry! I am not good at coding and I am not sure how I'll use this blog, but here it is-- my own personal corner of the internet, exactly as the internet gods intended.
It's not a fancy, super decorated website (yet) but I do think I can make it look somewhat impressive if I give it time! I named this "lycia draws" with the intention of posting art, but it really isn't an art site and I don't intend to give it a social media feel to it. There's no way to really get followers in the first place. But I will probably utilize the skills I've learned to code something nice and proper on a site like tumblr and make it feel really cool! For now, this corner of the internet is underutilized...